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Custards last words at the battle of Little Big Horn

" I'll never understand these darned Indians A few minutes ago they were singing and dancing "

A Blonde patient " Doctor after my bust enhancement will the scars show ? "

Doctor " Well that's rather up to you "

A honeymoon couple go into a hotel and asks for a suite

" Bridal ? " ask the clerk

" No thanks " replies the bride " I'll just hang onto his shoulders "

Answer ; Melancholy QUESTION --What kind of salad can you make with cantaloupe and Lassie

Answer ;Put your left leg in and shake it all about - Question -What is the worse known way to clean your toilet

Answer ; Spam and the Unabomber ; Question ---Name two things that will be in the can for the next 18 years

Answer ; Hey diddle diddle ; Question ---How do you greet your diddle diddle early in the morning

I got a note from the bride thanking me for the wedding present I sent She said it was just what she wanted and she would use them every time she is entertaining guests

I'm a bit worried I gave her bed sheets

A doctor calls a plumber in the middle of the night

"Why are you ringing me at this hour ? "says the plumber

" Look its an emergency " says the doctor " If it was the other way round you'd expect me to come out wouldn't you "

" Ok what's the problem ? "

" The toilets broken " says the doctor

" Give it two aspirins and call me again if its not better in the morning "

Mr Bell to the judge " Your honour my wife is being ridiculous Most women would love to have a chivalrous husband Who could object to having a car door opened for them ? "

" Mr Bell " replies the judge " It might be chivalrous to open the car door for your wife but not when you're driving at 65 miles per hour "

A doctor is examining a young female patient He applies his stethoscope and says " Big breaths "

" Yeh " replies the girl " And I'm thtill only thixteen "

A man with a nervous tic applies of a job in a store Unfortunately his tic makes it look as if he's winking all the time and it starts to put customers off

The store manager calls him over and explains the situation

" Its no problem " says the man " I forgot to take my aspirin all I need is a couple of pills and the winking will stop for the day " So saying he reaches into his pocket to find some aspirin and starts dragging out handfuls of condoms

" Why all the condoms " asks the manager " Your not some sort of sex maniac are you ? "

" No " replies the man " But they're what you get if you walk into a chemist winking and ask for a packet of aspirin "

Two business owners are comparing working practices One says to the other " I make sure each of my employees takes a week off every two months "

" Why on earth would you do that ? " asks the second

The first replies " Its the best way of finding out which ones I can do without "

Some tortoises are playing cards when they run out of beer They pick Chip to get some more So Chip heads off but after two days the others start to get impatient

" Chip is getting really slow " says one

" He's not what he used to be " says another

A voice shouts from behind the door " Oi if you're going to talk about me behind my back I'm not going "

A rabbit manages to escape from a research laboratory and finds a group of wild rabbits living in a field He joins them and spends the day eating grass stealing carrots and lettuce from a farmers field and mating like crazy with all the female rabbits However as evening falls the rabbit turns his back on his wild friends and heads back to the laboratory

" What's the matter ? " says one of the wild rabbits " Don't you like it here ?"

" I love it " replies the lab rabbit " But I'm dying for a cigarette "

The three Stooges Larry Curly and Mo die and go to heaven At the Pearly Gates Saint Peter greets them and tells them that to enter heaven each must answer a question

Peter turns to Larry and asks " What is Easter ? "

Larry replies " That's when the kids dress up in Halloween costumes "

"Wrong " says Peter and sends Larry to hell Peter turns to Curly and asks

" What is Easter ? " " That's when the fat man comes down the chimney "

"Wrong " says Peter and sends Curly to hell

Peter then turns to Mo and asks " What is Easter ? "

Mo answers " That's when Jesus rises out of the grave "

" And " prompts Peter

"And if he sees his shadow there's another six weeks of winter "

A dustman ( refuge collector ) is doing his round of collecting when an old woman comes out of her house in her nightdress and curlers

" Am I to late for the rubbish ? " she asks

" Course not dear " says the dustman " Hop in "

If a single fish can produce over a million offspring

How many can the married ones churn out ?

Chip and Danny found three hand grenades in a field and decide to take them to the police station

" But what if one of them blow's up " says Chip

" Well in that case we will tell them we found two " says Danny

A man visiting his wife's organic vegetarian parents is sent out to buy some food " These are for my mother-in-law " he says to the greengrocer " Are you sure they haven't been sprayed with dangerous pesticides ? "

" Quite sure " he replies " " You have to do that yourself "

A good friend is always there to bail you out of jail Your best friend is in the next cell saying " Damn that was fun

We have been friends for a very long time What say we call it quits ?

Your such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket I'd miss you heaps and think of you often

Chip goes shopping and sees a Thermos flask He asks a sales assistant what it does

" It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold " replies the assistant

Chip buys it and takes it to work the following day "Look at this " Chip says to his work mate "It's a Thermos flask It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold "

" What have you got in it " asks his mate

" Two cups of coffee and a choc ice " -----The end

What is harder than getting an Elephant in the back seat of your car ?

Getting a pregnant Elephant in the back seat of your car

What is harder than getting a pregnant Elephant in the back seat of your car ?

Getting an Elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car