keen2ts

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need ! $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman $oh

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

Manager

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

Subject: 'Lawd! Me Ded Now!'

A Jamaican living in the States was down on his luck. Out of work and broke, he started going around to various companies in the city begging for a job, any job.

Finally he got to the Zoo.. The Zookeeper looked stressed out.

'The monkey escaped last night', the Zookeeper said,

'If you are willing to put on a monkey suit and stand in the monkey's cage for a couple days, I'll pay you.'

The Jamaican immediately accepted.

The pay was OK and the work wasn't hard.

He swung from the tree, and the kids fed him fruits and nuts. He actually started enjoying himself.

He even started adding a few acrobatic moves that he had seen on TV.

Late in the afternoon he swung a bit too vigorously, lost his grip and flew clean out of the monkey cage and landed in the lion cage next door.

The lion let out a huge roar and our friend in the monkey suit bawl out,

'LAWD, ME DED NOW!'

The huge lion immediately pounced on him, grabbed him by the throat and whispered,

'Man shut yuh mout nuh, suh we can keep di likkle wuk!'

A Jamaican and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston . After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The Jamaican explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the Jamaican insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the Jamaican, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the Jamaican and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them', the Jamaican complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

The Manager goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the Jamaican again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have', the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the Jamaican replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the Jamaican gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, 'this check is only made out for $100.'

'That's right,' says the Jamaican. 'I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well,' the Jamaican replies, 'she was here, and you could have.'

1) Is it Cruel

2) is it a just cause

3) its Inhumane

4) Only should be applied to certain Criminals

A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon an old empty bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and- behold a Genie appeared.

She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish.

She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie.

The Genie said, 'Nope, sorry three-wish genies nuh real, me is strictly a ONE -WISH Genie. So... what yuh want?'

The woman didn't hesitate.

She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East . See this map, I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony. '

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lawd Lady, A wah wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE! Dem countries yah a war fi how much thousands of years. Mi shut up inna dis bockle fi 'bout five hundred of dem dey years! Mi good but mi nuh dat good! Mi nuh know if mi can grant dis one. Do Lady, mek another wish!! Mi a beg yuh... Be reasonable eh.'

The woman thought for a minute and said, 'Well, I've never been able to find the right Jamaican man... You know, one that is considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the cooking & house cleaning, is great in bed and is FAITHFUL. That's what I wish for...a good Jamaican man.

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, 'Mek mi see di map again!

1. Only on the first date

2. Only when you want something in return

3. Never

4. Romance is only for fools

5. Occasionally

6. Only when necessary

7. None of the above applies

Mike was going to be married to Karen

so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.

On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.

I can't wear them..'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in

this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have

never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family

and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine..'

Mike did and said,

'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change

your smart-*** attitude, you never will.'

what ever is your pet

Never Argue with a Woman!

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.

'I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.' MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

or little munsters that tries to over throw you with they little brains

A man was having an affair with an Italian woman

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,

he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

I just wanna know

THIS IS A LAUGH OUT LOUD-I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very

nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her

nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost

making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she

even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked

over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and

said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her

face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain

again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and

longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once

again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman

had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,

"Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a

distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the

flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under

Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such

as:

· Romance 9.5 and

· Personal Attention 6.5,

and then installed undesirable programs such as :

· NBA 5.0,

· NFL 3.0

·Golf Clubs 4.1 and

· Elk Hunting 5.5

Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply

crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5 .3 to fix these

problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE ,

First, keep in mind,

· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while

· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears

6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

· If that application works as designed , Husband 1.0 should then

automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband

1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7..0 or Beer 6.1 ..

· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download

the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta..

Whatever you do, DO NO T under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law

1.020(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize

control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0

-program These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0

.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited

memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider

buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We

recommend

· Cooking 3.0 and

· Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she processed my Social Security application.. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

The waiter said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight got started....

DAY THE PENIS ASKED FOR A RAISE

I Penis, hereby request a raise in

salary for the following reasons:

• I do physical labour.

• I work at great depths.

• I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

• I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

• I work in a damp environment.

• I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

• I work in high temperatures.

• My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and

considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

• You do not work 8 hours straight.

• You fall asleep after brief work periods.

• You do not always follow the orders of

• the management team.

• You do not stay in your designated area

• and are often seen visiting other locations.

• You do not take initiative

• you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

• You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

• You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

• You will retire well before you are 65.

• You are unable to work double shifts.

• You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

• And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

V Gina

if it was abusive