What's the best joke you heard this week?

cant tell ya here lol okkkkkkkk I found 1 not as funny as the 1 I cant tell ya here but.....

A guy is at the supermarket when he notices that the rather good looking

woman behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and

although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, and so he

says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one

of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time that he has been unfaithful.

"Oh my god!" he says, "are you that strip-o-gram on my stag night that I

had sex with on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your friend

whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my butt?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

When the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty." "May I have the other 10 years?" asked Man. The Monkey agreed. The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man asked for the remaining ten. Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years and got them. This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion 'bout it, and 10 years of making an a ss out of himself.

♥

I heard two this morning:

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

**********

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

candian jokes..offense cuz i am a canadian but very funny..:

A Canadian Bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Randy stops him and asks "Hey Dave watcha got that case of beer for.

Well, I got it for my wife you see, explained Dave.

Wow, exclaimed Randy-good trade.

What do urine samples and Canadian women have in common.

the taste.

Whats the difference between a Canadian and a canoe?

a canoe will tip

Why do Canadians screw doggy style?

So both can watch the hockey game.

What does a goal keeper and a quebec girl have in common?

both change their pads after 3 periods

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Bush Visits a Nursing Home

President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.

The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.

Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"

The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."

Why was the pebble scared?

Because he wasn't a little boulder.

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly: "My blonde wife sure is stupid... she bought an air conditioner!"

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My blonde wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly : "That ain't nuthin'! My redhead wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!!!"

How do you get a Picachu on a bus?

Pokemon!

I know its crap but I did hear it from a 7 yr old.

I also apologise if I spelled anything incorrectly.

husband says to wife. have to give up golf, I'm 80 and i cant see where the balls are going.. wife says bring my brother, same age but has great eyesight.. next day they tee off..husband says to wifes brother, did you see that ball ..yes he cried.. where did it go then.. i forgot he said