Any good jokes?

Okay this guy had been seeing his girlfriend for over a year and decided to ask her to marry him. The guy had always thought that her 19 year old sister had a thing for her but never really put too much into it. One day the sister called and asked him to come by to go over the wedding invitations she had been working on. When he got there, his soon-to-be sister in-law was wearing a super tight sand skimpy mini skirt with a tank top and no bra. She said "Look I always wanted you and I am giving you one chance to be with me before you marry my sister, nobody will know and I'll never tell so I'm going upstairs and stripping down and I'll wait for you in my room." the guy took off out the door as fast as he could to his car when from around the corner, his soon-to-be father in-law came from around the corner clapping. He hugged the guy's neck and said "Son I am so happy you turned her down and proud to welcome you into our family"

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Morale of the story.......Always leave your condoms in the car!!

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

The blonde and the state trooper

A state trooper pulls over a blonde on a lonely back road and says, "Ma'am, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. So, I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. Then, I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

The officer reached through the side window to the rear view mirror, and explained, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

at general custers last stand there were only seven men left. the general said men now is the time to make your peace with the lord,we may have only seconds left before those two hundred indians attack us. as one of the men scratched the near barron ground he found a bottle, on opening it a genie pops out .to everyones amazement the genie said i am the genie of the bottle and grant you one wish, when the excitement subsided the genie said beware for whatever you wish the indians will get two of. after much deliberation a soldier shouted '' general i have it. make it good soldier said the general. the soldier then said to the genie i wish we had a glass eye.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

:D i liked it!! xx

There was a woman driving down the street fixing her makeup when all of a sudden she caused a head on collision with this guy. They both got out of their cars and surveyed the damage. Both cars were totalled. The woman asked,"Are you hurt?" He replied,"Thank goodness, no!" She said,"This is a miracle, both our cars are totalled and we are ok," pulling a wine bottle out of her car she says, " I think we should celebrate with a drink. We could have both been killed." Shaken the man says, "Yes, I agree." The woman hands him the bottle and he says, "Ladies first." The woman replies, "It was my fault, you go first." The man takes a drink and hands it back to her, the woman says, "Go on take another drink, you deserve it." He gulps down another and hands it back to her. She puts the cork back in and the man asks her, " Aren't you going to take a drink?" The woman answers, " No, I am just going to wait for the cops."

Two men are hunting in the woods. One hunter sudenly drops dead of a heart attack. The second hunter quickly pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.

The Operator: "911 what's your emergency?"

Hunter: "I was out in the wood's hunting with my friend and he just dropped dead. What do I do?"

Operator: "Sir I need you to calm down. The first thing I want you to do is make sure he's dead."

The Operator holds and then hears a loud BANG!

Hunter: "OK. Now what?"

A young man walks into A&E at the hospital.

When he is shown to the examination room he strips off and reveals a penis the size of his little finger.Seeing it, the nurse can't help laughing.

"It's not funny,"says the man .

"It's been swollen for a week like this."

Two scotsmen are walking down a country lane.'och Duncan'says Jimmy all of a sudden,'I dinnae half need a ****.' 'Well, just go behind a bush and do it,then'replies his mate.So Jimmygoes behind a bush,and after a while he shouts,'Have you got any paper?'To which duncan replies,'Och,don't be such a tight bastard.Leave it.'

WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."