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When is the best time to see the blooms?
Floating, it seems
On a hot desert wind
Silent.
Falling to the ground
There to bloom
In brightest yellow
Shot through with streaks
Of red and orange.
Beauty in the midst
Of austerity.
The observer is taken
By the spectacle
And smiles.
"Zero, this is Tango Three Zero,
Target destroyed. Over."
"Roger, Tango Three Zero,
Return to base. Out."
" Roger, ETA one hour. Out."
Smoke follows the blooms.
Letters to families
Will follow the smoke.
Thank you Margot for your comments. I agree, searing yellow sounds better, possibly followed by 'Streaked through with crimson and orange'
With regard to 'it seems..' this was deliberate as incoming rockets and missiles - if you spot them - appear to float in the air even though often travelling at 600mph+ .
I appreciate you taking the time to read and give feedback.
The whole poem was written in about 5 minutes so didn't get much editing time!
Giggles, I have friends out in Afghanistan as well. I hope your son is safe and comes home ok. The poem is generic.
14 Answers
- -Lv 71 decade agoFavourite answer
I'm calling my lawyer to see if I can sue you for whiplash!
Wow, good job!
ma
- *Jellz*Lv 61 decade ago
From looking at ma's reaction at least it looks like this poem has made quite an impact too. Sans smoke, but quite a few 'letters'. I was lulled at first, then shaken and then stunned. Foggi you are another poet who is compulsive reading for me. You always come up with fresh view points and connect strongly with the reader. You communicate...
As a reader of poetry I want the poet to reach out, grab me by the shoulders and say "Hey! I'm talking to YOU!"
- margotLv 51 decade ago
This is well done. The metaphor is worth development. There's tragic irony in it. The title, itself, is ironic. I would delete:
"it seems" because it adds nothing.
"brightest" not the best modifier for "yellow" -- stretch and find a more fresh modifier.
"red" and "orange", similarly, need to be jacked up about 100% to see the spectacular colors you are describing. Google colors and find words that say it better.
delete "will"
Nice job, hope this helps.
- ?Lv 71 decade ago
Your pen serves you well today!! Your observer is a Nation unused to feeling the fallout of such blooms. Just watching from the sidelines as others, sometimes even picking the flowers.....
- Anonymous1 decade ago
I have often heard them explained as beautiful blooming flowers - minus their destructive impact, of course. It is tragic - that something of such visual beauty - can hold such devastation at its core â¥
- gigglingLv 51 decade ago
Nice write! I will not critique as someone else has (I am just a writer).
My son is in Iraq with the war there. I relate to this in what he has told me.
This sounds like Gaza but war is war is it not.
The necessary evil in this world we can't ignore.
I pray that fewer letters to families occur!
- AlobarLv 51 decade ago
Nice misdirection.
Letters to families
Will follow the smoke.
Like that line a lot.
Have to wonder about the observer smiling, does he ever even think of those letters, or just he just see the booms... er, blooms?
- 1 decade ago
The imagery is true.
The colours are real
and observers
do smile
Source(s): emails from "down range". - Anonymous1 decade ago
Wow! You had me floating along enjoy the scenery and then WHAM! I don't think that was good for my transmission.
Excellent write.
