grammar- is it correct?

Question

Four seconds later that glimmer of hope fizzled out. Gerry reported there was still no news. My innards were being ripped apart, by soul searching desolation. Consumed with negativity, I found it a struggle to remain outwardly positive.

Update:

how about:

My innards were being ripped apart with soul searching such desolation?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Omit the comma after "desolation". That comma is wrong there.  As a matter of style, possibly 'Consumed by', not 'with'.

tichur · Answer

Only four seconds  that glimmered of hope soon fizzled out. Gerry reported there was still no news. My innards were being ripped apart by soul searching desolation. Consumed with negativity, I found it a struggle to remain outwardly positive.

Anonymous · Answer

The grammar is correct--but the punctuation is not.  No comma after 'apart'.

"My innards were being ripped apart by soul searching desolation"

is better than

"My innards were being ripped apart with soul searching such desolation?"

While the grammar may be correct--I make no warranty as to the quality of the prose. 

Think of another word besides 'innards', unless you are writing a western novel.

Think of another word than 'negativity'.  There are many synonyms in the English lexicon.

Anonymous · Answer

Im not sure but i think you have some mistakes

grammar- is it correct?

4 Answers