Is it right for my nephew's mother to exclude me from seeing him?

Question

Phrased better, is it right for the mother to exclude me from seeing my nephew not only when I have done nothing to the family or the child but actually once protected that child's life?

My brother has a history of drug abuse (including crack cocaine) and disowned my nephew right from the get go.  However, I love him dearly.  After he was born I had to warn the mother about my brother's crack use.  I had to do this because they talked in front of me about his taking the child to go places alone.  They had been together only three months but then broke up.  But she got pregnant and they kept in touch, yet she didn't know about the drug problem.  It tore me apart to act against my brother, and I paid a price for it with him, but I had to tell because of the many dangers of a baby being driven by a drug-fueled father.

Ok, that was almost five years ago.  I have tried my best to visit and be an uncle to my nephew.  Recently I tried to visit and give a gift to him.  I was told that his mother did not want me to have any kind of relationship with him.  It was because I am my brother's brother and she doesn't want her child to have any connection at all to my family.

So I get punished for my brother's actions, and I get stabbed in the back after I protected her son's life???  I will add that this was unnecessary because I am going away for a few years of study.  She knew that.  She could have let other things in my life take care of her concerns.  Was this right?

Dr. John Silver · Answer

Is it right for my nephew's mother to exclude me from seeing him? -------

You did the right thing years ago by telling the boy's mother about the possible danger to the child by being alone with your brother.  Now that's coming back to haunt you.  As the expression goes, “No good deed goes unpunished”.  The mother thinks she is doing the right thing and has that legal right to do so.  It may not be in the child's best interest to keep you away from your nephew, however, she does have the right.  Your brother may still have some parental rights remaining, but you don't, sorry.   You could talk to a family law attorney to see if you do have any legal rights in this matter.  We know the mother's judgment is questionable.  She's the one who got pregnant without really knowing the father.

It may see like a long ways away, but you are free to see your nephew when he is legally an adult and in the meantime, you can keep in touch with him online.

Comrade Obamov · Answer

I understand, but a really sticking point is that she didn't have to make a decision.  A decision in her favor was about to be made by other factors.  Due to my own circumstances it was soon to be impermissible for me to have any contact with him, or any family for that matter, for a period of a few years (entering into religious study).  Even after that my abilities to be in contact would have been sharply limited.  So why this step when it wasn't necessary?  Why treat me like dog dirt when I protected her son from the effects of drug abuse?  In my book if you protect my son's life from danger, no matter who you are I am in debt to you forever.  But I am not looking for the repayment of the debt.  I protected his live because I loved him.  He was my nephew, my flesh and blood.  I just expected a little more respect than hiding behind an email telling me I couldn't see him anymore instead of trying to work something out on the phone or in person.  I could have told her more details about my own future and we could have agreed to just let things slide for now and see how things are in a few years when I get done with my studies and he is a little older.

熊冰冰 · Answer

It's unfortunate that you  don't get to have a relationship with your nephew, but also understandable why his mother wants to distance herself as much as possible.  As a parent, she's had to make some hard decisions.
Now, take a deep, cleansing breath and as you exhale, say the words "it's not all about me".

Is it right for my nephew's mother to exclude me from seeing him?

3 Answers