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Question

Something in the forest

There were shadows in the forest,
And things we didn't know,
Dark and scary places,
Where we knew we shouldn't go.

But you knew that wouldn't stop us,
We were having to much fun,
If there was something hiding there,
We thought that we could run.

But running wasn't good enough,
To get us out of there,
Whatever caught up with my friend,
Was bigger than a Bear.

They never ever found him,
Just a shoe and bit's of bone,
And of the beast that took him,
No-more was ever known.

So if you go into the forest,
Always take great care,
Whatever took my friend away,
Might still be living there.

    Goop's

Dondi · Accepted Answer

My favorite style, Ballad Stanza.  It is executed well with a good story.  The only fault I had was the switch from Iambic to Trochaic meter and back again.  It wasn't enough to mess it up, and I don't count off for spelling, so long as I know what you mean.  Good job of rhyming as well.
Dondi

logofax · Answer

I agree  - well done, lively feeling and the sense is good.

Following what Kinning.. says, it would be worthwhile going over it (as many times as it takes) to iron out the odd problems with the rhythm (metre)

e.g.  "If there was something hiding there,  "   doesn't match 1st line.
if you want a simple fix, try:    "If there was  a  something hiding there,"

a couple of corrections:

We were having to much fun,    ->  too much
No-more was ever known.         -> No more

Enjoyed it - hope you can make use of our encouragement.

kinning_park · Answer

A cheerfully good effort. The rhythm just needs a little tidying up here and there, and there's no apostrophe in "bits". No hyphen in "no more " either.  A minor suggestion would be to change "living" to "lurking" in the last line.

Anonymous · Answer

Cool, can almost see that animated (without the gore)

lily · Answer

very good, i liked it.

Do you want more?...Goop's?

5 Answers