Won't give up on the offer of having my daughter when I have new baby?

What well meaning in -laws need to understand is that people may need help in different ways. And many times in-laws only want to help in a way they THINK people want to be helped, like staying over and holding the baby.

Since our little one arrived we've been honestly clear about what kind of help we need if friends family want to help. This is our list: 1) home cooked food or food in general (just drop it off) , 2)housekeeping,: dusting, vacuuming. That's it. If they dont want to do that, no harm no foul. No worries. Nothing personal. But staying over and helping the baby actually is more stressful for us and not at all helpful.

Hope this helps. :)

You are quite right - your toddler is going to need to be with you when baby arrives, so she doesn't feel pushed out by the new baby. However, I would ask your mil if she would be prepared to help in other ways. E.g. if she invited your toddler to "do something special with granny - because the baby is too small to do that, it is only for big girls!" Another thing that would be very helpful would be if she took your toddler while you were actually giving birth - so your husband is free to support you. The are so many little ways she could support you.

I know it is frustrating when people (especially mil's) keep wanting to butt in and do things that they think will help, but you know won't, but it really is not worth upsetting your mil. Instead show your gratitude. Be clear that you don't want that particular type of help, but you really appreciate knowing you have her to turn to when you do need help. Make her feel important and needed.

My mil was great at playing with the baby when she came to visit, so I had time for my toddler. Try to work with your mil - and you will all benefit. By the way - my mil was a cow of the first order when it came to how she treated me - but she was a great granny.

your mother in law sounds like she has good intentions but she needs to understand that by taking your toddler away from the newborn will be detrimental. your toddler will begin to think that she is no longer wanted by her mummy now the new baby is here and will start to resent the baby.

on the other hand it will be difficult raising two young children. im expecting our second and when he/she arrives, our son will be 19 months old so i will be in a very similar situation as yourself.

my mum has always said she will help out when necessary. she already takes our son for one night a week due to work commitments from myself and husband. so i will continue to do that whilst i am on maternity leave so i get one day bonding fully with my newborn. however i will also ask to reverse that and ask her to take the newborn for a few hours so i get one on one time with my son too. its important to spend equal time with each child but during the newborn stage, babies have no memory so although it may seem a bit harsh, spending a few hours away from a newborn will be a lot easier and less detrimental than spending a few hours away from a toddler.

may i suggest that if she wants to help out then either offer to come and clean/cook/whatever for an hour or so, or take the newborn for a few hours. if you dont want her to take the newborn then perhaps ask her to come over and mind the toddler whilst you are there so you can get some sleep or chill for an hour or so.

i would accept the help but only on your terms, if you push her away now then you may not get it when you really need it. you need to explain everything to her and if she doesnt accept that then get your husband to lay down the rules :-)

good luck and happy parenting.

all I can think of is asking her to be available on-hand so you can call her whenever you need, and if your daughter is all energetic and wants to do stuff, then ask her to take her to a park or something like that and play, or if she's fine then ask if she can come over and clean your house. Tell her it's really important that you all be together as a family, and how important it is to you to have someone else clean your house for you so your daughter, you and baby can all bond. Which it is, and it's a very nice thing to have happen. One of the best things that ever happened to me after the birth of my second baby was family coming in and cleaning the house while I took the kids and baby to the park. So as long as she understands she still gets something vital to do, and it's very much appreciated she might back off.

Your being too nice. From what you have said she is not being nice she is just disguising her true feelings as a nice gesture.

If she was being nice she would have simply said if you ever need help I'm close by and ill always be there for you, then let it go. That's not what she has and continues to do and say. Your second will be easier then your first as you have experience now from your first.

She has ulterior motives, good for you for standing your ground, lots of woman have small children like you and manage just fine. Your first child should be involved and included in things with the baby so she doesn't feel left out or unwanted.

Don't let her get to you stand strong your more then capable of managing without her offer.

You are absolutely right about wanting to keep your older child with you when the baby is born. You will have some days that are easier than others, and it might be nice to get some short term relief occasionally.

Some mothers might try something like, "I have discussed this with her doctor and s/he has encouraged me to keep her home with me so that she will be able to bond with the baby as we do. S/he reminds me that such small children can feel neglected if they are not included as part of the new family"...etc. Your child's doctor will not disagree if this is the way that you feel. You can add that you daughter might like an occasional outing or visit with Granny because you might not be able to get out as much with her as she is used to.. Then you can call her if she is needed.

Good luck to you.

i agree with what everyone else says, but wanted to add that it could be a generational thing. my mum told me that when she had me (her youngest) it was usual for the mum to go to a rest home with the new baby for a couple of days while someone else takes the other children. she might just be confused by that not being the norm any more and you being happy to cope with two at once.