Dammed if i do and dam ed if i don't?

Married for 15 years to someone who was a gambler. A lot of lies and heartache. Two young sons, three weeks before Christmas he disappears, running from debt and lies. Went to police, was questioned, judged, put through hell and back. Children cried day and night.. Kept looking for him, he returned 3 months later. I took him back, Please do not judge me, I needed to get my kids family back together, that was my thinking then and yes I know now it was not healthy thinking. I had no support from anywhere, felt very alone and scared. Six months later, more lies, more heartache. End of marriage, my choice. Now fast forward 8 years, I tried to keep him and our kids in touch, let them build a relationship and when kids old enough they can make up their own minds on their father. I never spoke badly of him to them, but I was honest. Two years ago, he disappeared again!! Oldest child was 17, youngest 14. They had given him back their trust, and now he was gone! Two years later and nothing. This time I have not looked for him, kids don't talk much about him and we have moved on with our lives. When I do talk about him to them and ask how they feel about it, they roll their eyes to heaven and tell me to stop talking about it, and how they don t think much about it. However I see the scars left by this experience and if I stop talking to them about it, it seems worse. I really do feel like I am dammed if I do, and dammed if I don't. They just think I am self pitying when I speak about what happened, or ask them to talk about it. Any answers as to what I should do ?